Heero Yuy!
by Rizui-sama
Summary: In the second instalment, more mind boggling secrets! Like the fact that Duo is pregnant...to find out the hows, why, and whos you'll have to read my friends! Warning: General insanity, LucreziaxSally Po...or at least it was...Duo love triangle.Sorta. RR!
1. Default Chapter

Ep.1: I've Got a Secret...  
  
  
  
(Setting: LARGE studio. The lights in the front are really bright and the ones in the back are dim. Set up like a typical talk show set with Heero sitting at the desk fiddling with his mic)  
  
*Screwed version of the Gundam Wing theme plays*  
  
Heero: *Looks up* Oh, uh are we on? We are? *Stands up and quickly rushes to the front of the audience. Looks normal* Hello and welcome to my show. You heard me Jerry. MY SHOW. And this is the first episode of MY SHOW. And to start us off, we have our guest Relena Peacecraft. Say hi Relena.   
  
Relena: *Come out on stage, sits, and waves happily* Hi Relena!  
  
Heero: *Looks at Relena then camera* Oh come on! Don't tell me you didn't see that coming. Now Relena, do you know why you're here?  
  
Relena: *Sparkly eyed, SD* So you can profess your undying love to me for all to hear?!  
  
Heero: *Slowly* In God's world.  
  
Relena: *Pouts* Then I don't know.  
  
Heero: *Walks up to set* It figures. Well, it's because of one Zechs Marquise other wise known as your brother.  
  
Relena: *Gasp* Oh no! Oh wait...I already knew that.  
  
Heero: *Looks at camera and rolls eyes. Looks back at Relena* Yeah, uh-huh. Well anyway, he has brought you here because *turns to audience smiling from ear to ear?!* *Sing-song voice* He's got a secret!  
  
Relena: Really? What is it?  
  
Heero: *Still smiling?!* *Sing-song* Because if I told you it wouldn't be a secret! *Looks normal again* Besides, I don't know either. That's why we're here. Now bring out Zechs Marquise!   
  
Zechs: *Is escorted out by me and Chibi* Uh h-hi H-Heero. *Sits down 2 chairs from Relena*  
  
Heero: And those are my two bodyguards—like I need them—Chibi and Rizu-chan. Say hi Chibi and Rizu.  
  
BGs: Hi Chibi and Rizu. *Leave*  
  
Heero: *Sweat drop* I'm surrounded by idiots.   
  
Audience: *Boos*  
  
Heero: *Quickly turns around* BUT NOT YOU GUYS! *Audience throw cans and sharp object at him* Ouch! Hey! Watch it! ARGH! *Throws the Dallas cheerleaders' bras at audience*  
  
Audience: *Sit still and marvel at the bras*   
  
Heero: Okay, so Zechs. You're here to tell your sister a secret. What is it?  
  
Zechs: Well, um, Relena...*Fidgets*  
  
Relena: Yes Zechs? What is it?  
  
Zechs: Relena...I am your mother.  
  
Everyone else: *Silence. Crickets chirp*  
  
Heero: ...yeah. Zechs, that's impossible.   
  
Zechs: No seriously! *Takes off clothes to reveal he is a woman* See?  
  
Heero: ...*Rubs temples* My spider-sense is tingling. SECURITY!  
  
BGs: *Run out and restrain Relena just in time but barely*   
  
Relena: YOU &*(&&(q*sa)*)&&*^&^^%%^$@~#@$%^&())(#$%^&-*//*&&*^%*&*MOTHER_**&*&*^^%%^^&^^**&*&*&**&*^&&^%%GOD*))(GERBIL(**()&&(*(MORON! AAAAAAAAAAH!   
  
Zechs: You'd think you'd be glad to see me!   
  
Relena: YOU HID THIS FROM ME ALL THIS TIME?! I F***ING HATE YOU! *Gets free and claws up Zechs' face*  
  
Zechs: AHH! *Tries to block her.  
  
Heero: Yep, that's the spider-sense. Let's take a commercial break while I fix this. *Pulls out large gun and stalks towards the dog-pile*  
  
*******COMMERCIAL********COMMERCIAL************  
  
(The set is empty except for Heero and the audience)   
  
Heero: And we're back. And we've had our first tragedy of the season. How...tragic.  
  
Audience: *Cheers loudly*  
  
Heero: Yes, I know. *Runs up along the front of the audience and shakes their hands and gives them hi-fives. Screeches to a halt in front of the camera*  
  
Heero: *Backs up from camera* And now we bring out our final—  
  
Audience: Awww!  
  
Heero: *Thinks to self* Am I that great? Nah, must be the audience. *Speaks* Anyway, now we bring out our final guest of the evening—hold up. *Checks watch* Yeah, it's evening. And our guest is...Quatre Winner—Quatre?!   
  
Quatre: *Appears on stage in an extremely tight, extremely short leather red dress and black spike heels with straps* Hiya Heero!  
  
Heero: *Stares. Begins to drool* Amazing...  
  
Male Audience: WHOO-WHOO! *Various calls and whistles*  
  
Quatre: *Winks and blows a kiss to a guy in the audience*   
  
Guy: *Faints. Spasms*   
  
Quatre: *Finally sits down*   
  
Heero: *Cautiously goes to the foot of the stage* Quatre? Is that YOU?!  
  
Quatre: Why of course it is! How've ya been?   
  
Heero: ...fine...until now...So Quatre, mind telling us why you're here and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING!?  
  
Quatre: You mean WHO Heero dear! It's Gucci, duh! As for why I'm here, I have something to tell my lover Trowa.  
  
Heero: Yeah, I'll bet you do. Sooooo...Quatre. Quatre, Quatre, Quatre. What hast thou done? Um, let's just bring out Trowa.   
  
Trowa: *Comes out on stage and nearly has a heart attack* QUATRE!?  
  
Quatre: *Angrily points to seat beside him* SIT!  
  
Trowa: *Sits down* What the hell!?  
  
Heero: My, my, aren't YOU loquacious. Loquacious....god I love that word. Ahem, but my large vocabulary is not why we're here. Quatre, you wanted to tell us—er Trowa something?  
  
Quatre: Yes. *Sighs and takes Trowa's hand* Trowa...I am a—  
  
Trowa: Hooker?! Whore?! Prostitute?!  
  
Quatre: *Looks up surprised* How did you know.  
  
Trowa: Lucky guess.  
  
Quatre: Oh Trowa I'm so sorry! *Cries into his shoulder*   
  
Heero: And so am I... So Trowa, will you forgive or forget you aficionado?   
  
Trowa & Quatre: ...His what?  
  
Heero: *Sigh* Your lover.  
  
Trowa: Oh...HELL NO! YOU GO BEHIND MY BACK AND SLEEP WITH OTHER MEN—  
  
Quatre: And women—  
  
Trowa: AHH! *Gets ready to pimp slap Trowa. Audience gasps*   
  
Quatre: *Bitch slaps Trowa*   
  
Audience: *Collective 'WHOA!'*  
  
Quatre: Fine, if you don't want me I have a man who does! *Walks off stage haughtily. Audience is torn*   
  
Trowa: *On the ground and looks defeated* ...QUATRE! *Sobs*   
  
Heero: Wow...what a first episode... yeah, so lets take a CB and we'll be right back. *Walks up to Trowa who is still sobbing*  
  
********COMMERCIAL BREAK*************COMMERCIAL BREAK***********  
  
(Heero sits in the audience eating popcorn. Relena and Zechs are on the bottom step of the stage and Relena is glaring at Zechs who looks scared; Quatre—who is with Wufei—and an emotionally wounded Trowa are on the second step; Quatre & Wufei look very happy while Trowa tries to glare at them both while not breaking down at the sight of Quatre)  
  
Heero: *Munch, much* And we're back. And now it's time for the Q&A part of our show. Yes Springer, Kimmel, Carola, I TOO have a Q&A. Okay, so questions?  
  
Random guy: I DO!  
  
Heero: Damn. Wait a second. *Gets up with his large tub o' popcorn and the mic* Here, hold my popcorn and if you eat it I shall kill thee. *Hands popcorn to guy with question* Now what is your question?  
  
RGWQ: This is for the hot blonde guy!  
  
Quatre: *Beams while Wufei and Trowa glare*   
  
RGWQ: Uh...will you go out with me?!  
  
Quatre: Sure! *Winks*  
  
Wufei: QUATRE—  
  
Quatre: Oh can it Wufei!  
  
RGWQ: *Does a happy dance*  
  
Heero: *Snatches back his popcorn* Any more?  
  
Random lady: I have one!  
  
Heero: Damnit all! *Struggles upstairs with popcorn* Hold this and don't you DARE eat it!  
  
RLWQ: To Zechs—  
  
Zechs: Yes?  
  
RLWQ: Uh during the war...when the hell did you find time to get a sex change?!  
  
Zechs: ...Weren't you listening? I've ALWAYS been a woman!  
  
RLWQ: ...Oh...*Gives Heero back his popcorn*  
  
Heero: *Stuffs handful of popcorn in his mouth* Anything else?  
  
Audience: *Silence*  
  
Heero: ya, now I can eat my popcorn in peace. We out. *Ending music plays while Heero eats his popcorn* 


	2. Hermaphroditia!

Ep.2: Hermaphroditia!   
  
(The camera pans in on various parts of the audience then comes back on Heero who is running around with his tub of popcorn from yesterday)  
  
Heero: Are we on yet!? Not yet, must...eat...popcorn!!   
  
BG1(Chibi): Uh Heero, we're on in 5...4...3...  
  
Heero: Uh, where, seat A-HA! *Quickly runs and sits beside someone* Whew.  
  
BG1: *Runs backstage* 1!  
  
(Theme plays and the camera pans in on Heero who is desperately trying to finish his popcorn)  
  
Heero: *Munch* Aw damn, who cares? It's my show. And welcome to MY SHOW. And today we're talking about *Looks at cue cards* ...Saywha?  
  
CCG: Hermaphrodites!   
  
Heero: What the hell is a hermaphrodite?!  
  
Guy sitting next to Heero: It's a person who has both female and male organs.  
  
Heero: ...Riiight. Okay. Well here ya go. *Hands him a Dallas cheerleader's bra and panties*  
  
GSNTH: ...*Drools*  
  
Heero: I am good. Who agrees with muh?! *Jumps out of seat and starts hi-fiving random people* Okay, enough of that. *Gracefully jumps down with popcorn and runs to sit at the foot of the set* Now our first...hermaphrodite is a certain person who I know or so I'm told. Gee, wonder who it is. Seriously, I want to know who it is. So let's bring out...WHAT!? Duo!?!   
  
Duo: *Bounces out on stage* Hiya Heero!  
  
Heero: But...but...but—ohhhh...*Rubs temples* Why do I bother breathing!? So Duo...you're a hermaphrodite...  
  
Duo: Indeed I am...you know I'm really not happy about that.  
  
Heero: You shouldn't be. Now you're here to tell...your...  
  
Duo: Come on, you can say it!  
  
Heero: Uh...hey you! *Points to random guy* Come down here!  
  
RG: WHOO-HOO! *Rushes down* What can I do?!  
  
Heero: *Turns away* Read that.  
  
RG: Okay! *Calmly* Ahem. So Duo, yer here to tell your lover something?  
  
Duo: Indeed I am...I'm not happy about that either.  
  
RG & Heero: You shouldn't be.  
  
Heero: Get back to your seat.  
  
RG: Okay, but can I have a bra!?  
  
Heero: Will you stop drooling on me?  
  
RG: *Shakes his head and spit flies every where*  
  
Heero: Ew. *Tosses him a Dallas cheerleader's bra* Now go away.  
  
RG: WHOO-WHOO! *Runs back to seat and stares at bra*  
  
Duo: You're giving out women's bras?!  
  
Heero: Not just any women! Dallas cheerleaders!  
  
Audience: *Goes into a frenzy and start chanting 'Heero!'*  
  
Heero: See, here I am a god.  
  
Duo: *Raises eyebrow* Uh can we move on?  
  
Heero: Yes. Now to bring out your lover...CHANG WUFEI!  
  
Wufei: *Comes out on stage and quickly sits down*  
  
Heero & Audience: *Look at Wufei knowingly*  
  
Duo: I get the feeling y'all know something I don't...  
  
Heero: That's because we do. Now Duo, let your secret flow and entertain us all. *Sits on floor expectantly*  
  
Duo: Uh Wufei...  
  
Wufei: Yes?  
  
Duo: ...Wufei, I'm a...  
  
Heero: Don't make me do it.  
  
Duo: I'M A HERMAPHRODITE!   
  
Wufei: ...you're a what?  
  
Duo: Hermaphrodite.  
  
Wufei: What the hell is that?  
  
Heero: He's part girl part boy.  
  
Wufei: Oh....AHHH! *Goes pale* And when da hell did you find this out!?  
  
Duo: When I found out I was pregnant...  
  
Heero & Wufei: WHAT?!  
  
Duo: Oh Wufei, I'm pregnant!  
  
Wufei: Is it mine?!  
  
Duo: I think so—  
  
Heero: What do you mean you think!? Vexing idiot!  
  
Duo: Uh...well that's the other thing...  
  
Heero: What OTHER thing?! Oh my spider-sense...getting harder...not to...pimp slap...Duo...  
  
Wufei: Oh no, don't tell me...  
  
Duo: Uh...I've been cheating on you with...  
  
Wufei, Heero, & Audience: SAY IT!!  
  
Duo: *Sniff* TREIZE!  
  
Heero: *Nearly has a heart attack*  
  
Wufei: *Tries not to pimp slap Duo* Since...when...!??!  
  
Duo: Since 2 months...  
  
Wufei: ...Duo...we've been together for...2...months.  
  
Duo: I know, strange ain't it?  
  
Wufei: Duo...  
  
Heero: Uh, let's bring out Treize.   
  
Treize: *Walks out and kisses Duo*  
  
Heero: *Pages security*  
  
Wufei: *Jumps Treize* MOTHER F***ER!  
  
BGs: *Grab Wufei in mid-flight*  
  
Heero: And we'll be right back. *Takes out gun*  
  
*******COMMERCIAL BREAK***************COMMERCIAL BREAK*********  
  
Heero: And we're back. And notice that Treize, Duo, and Wufei are still out here. And that's because Wufei has a secret to reveal to Duo. Oh joy.  
  
Duo: A-ha! I knew it!  
  
Wufei: Oh shut up you whore!  
  
Heero: He's not the only one...Hey, Chang tell us the secret already.  
  
Wufei: *Blushes* Uh well Duo...  
  
Duo: Yes? *Raises eyebrow*  
  
Wufei: Well...since we've been going out... I was seeing Quatre first...and now I'm his...pimp...*Backs up*  
  
Duo: AAAAAAAH! *Gets ready to pounce Wufei—*  
  
Heero: And now for your cat fight pleasure QUATRE!  
  
Quatre: *Doesn't make it 2 inches on the stage before Duo jumps him*  
  
(Dust cloud fight ensues while Wufei and Treize try to break it up)  
  
Heero: Meow.  
  
Audience: *Goes into a wild frenzy of joy*  
  
Heero: *Increases it as Heero throws DC underwear into the Audience* SECURITY! *Pulls out gun*  
  
BG2 (me): Should we handle this?  
  
BG1: Hey, we're getting paid for it kiddo. *Rush into cat-fight and two seconds later Treize and Wufei are restraining their separate lovers*  
  
Duo: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THAT SKANK!  
  
Quatre: WHO YOU CALLIN A SKANK HO!?  
  
Heero: *Sits happily humming "Animate Me" by Rush* Oh wait, I should break this up shouldn't I? *Fires gun into the ceiling* THAT'S ENOUGH! Not really but this set is a rental.  
  
Everyone on stage except BGs: *Sit down in respective seats*   
  
Heero: Now then. But Duo, I must ask: Whose child is it?  
  
Duo: I told you, I have no idea!  
  
Treize: CHILD?!  
  
Heero: That got things started.  
  
  
Treize: How far along are you!?  
  
Heero: He looks like 3-4 weeks.  
  
Duo: Actually its 5 months.  
  
Wufei: DAMN! You don't gain any weight!!  
  
Heero: 5 months?! Let me get this straight: you date Wufei for 2 months. Somewhere in there you have an infidelity—  
  
Everyone on stage: A what?  
  
Heero: *Annoyed* Affair with Treize and now your 5 months pregnant?!  
  
Duo: I was 5 months when I found out.  
  
Heero, Wufei, Treize, Quatre & Audience: OHHHHH!  
  
Wufei: But whose is it!?   
  
Duo: Don't make me say it again.  
  
Heero: I have an idea because I am a genius! We will conduct a paternity test!  
  
Duo: We will what?  
  
Heero: Conduct a paternity test! On MY SHOW!  
  
Wufei: ...That's a good idea...I think...  
  
Heero: Of course it is for I am a genius!   
  
Quatre: ...Well let's do it!  
  
Heero: No let's not. SECURITY!   
  
BGs: *Escort stage members back stage*  
  
Heero: Anyone wanna know what my spider-sense says?  
  
Audience: YEAH!  
  
Heero: Hell no! I'm not telling anyone. But I will bring out our next guest...es...   
  
Audience: *Lean in closer*  
  
Heero: What?! Don't look at me like that!  
  
Audience: *Judge his every move*  
  
Heero: _ Oh I feel your eyes...staring at me...judging my every breath...but anyway, our next guest...es...is Miss LUCREZIA NO-I'm not even gonna bother with that last name.  
  
Noin: *Walks out on stage* Hello Heero.  
  
Heero: Noin...my spider-sense tells me you don't have a clue why you're here.  
  
Audience: *Together* Oooh, clueless guest!   
  
Noin: _  
Heero: Aren't they the best? So tell us about yourself—  
  
Noin: Heero, you know who I am!  
  
Heero: But they don't!  
  
Audience: *Watch Heero's every breath*  
  
Heero: They're judging you, y'know...judging your every movement...  
  
Noin: ...riiight. Well, if you must know, I've been seeing Sally Po for the past few months—  
  
Heero: It's always months with you people! Jeez, can't I see a steady relationship here?!  
  
Noin: ...it's almost been a year...  
  
Heero: *Turns to Audience* You see?! Take notes from her damned it!  
  
Audience: *Take notes*  
  
Heero: *Turns back to Noin* Well, let's bring out Sally Po—*mumbles* and may god help you.  
  
Sally: *Walks out on stage and kisses Noin* Hi Noin.  
  
Noin: Sally, what's this about?  
  
Heero: Yeah, what's this—uh I mean Sally, you're here to tell your girlfriend something yes?  
  
Sally: Actually I prefer—  
  
Heero: I am SICK of that word! Damnit, its aficionado! You want to tell your aficionado something!  
  
Sally: ...uh yeah. Noin, I have a secret—  
  
Heero: *Sits down right beside Sally them* Oh don't mind me.  
  
Sally: *Shifts uncomfortably* Noin...I'm a hermaphrodite.  
  
Heero: You do know what that means right?  
  
Noin: ...you mean that wasn't a GUN!?  
  
Sally: *Shake head*  
  
Noin: *Goes f-ing plum loco* AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! *Starts shooting up studio*  
  
Heero: *Jumps her* YEE-HAW—I mean WHOA DOGGIE!  
  
Sally: *Tries to calm her down* Noin! Please understand—  
  
Noin: *Throws Heero off her* FUCK YOU! *Pimps slaps her till she can't take it*  
  
Heero: Ouch...ah well, I can't do anything here. *Takes out axe* But old faithful can! We have to take a quick commercial break. *Runs up to Noin*  
  
******COMMERCIAL BREAK******************COMMERCIAL BREAK**********  
  
(Noin and Sally are nowhere to be seen and Heero is throwing bras to the audience)  
  
Heero: And *toss* we're back *toss* and we have the results *toss* of the paternity test *toss and holds up manila folder* right here. So let's go take a look non? *Rushes down to stage foot where Duo, Treize, Quatre, and Wufei are sitting with the body guards behind them ready to strike*  
  
Heero: So Wufei, think it's yours?  
  
Wufei: Well, I've always wanted a child...  
  
Heero: What about you Treize?  
  
Treize: Whatever happens I'll still love Duo.  
  
Duo: *Looking like a train wreck*  
  
Audience: *Collective 'AAAAAAAAAAW!'*  
  
Heero: *Makes gagging gesture* Oh please! Now for the results...oh the suspense *takes out paper then goes pale* Oh my god...  
  
Duo: What?! Who is it!?  
  
Heero: You are not going to believe this...  
  
Treize: Who's the father?!  
  
Heero: Dear sweet lord it's impossible...  
  
Every one minus Duo: SAY IT DAMN YOU!!  
  
Heero: The father is... Lady Une.  
  
Duo: *Stares in shock* Say...that...name...again...  
  
Heero: Lady Une.  
  
Wufei: *Faints*  
  
Treize: ...dear god...  
  
Duo: *Takes out gun and puts it to his head*  
  
Heero: And I'm not even gonna stop you.   
  
Duo: BUT HOW!? HOOOOOW!? *Prepares to shoot himself*  
  
Heero: You think I know, don't you?  
  
Quatre: Dear Allah, I wouldn't wish that on anyone! Not even my worst enemy...well maybe...nah.  
  
Heero: *Mumbles* That is gon' be one fucked up child—  
  
Duo: YOU SHUT UP! *Holds stomach a little too possessively* It's okay...*rocks back and forth*  
  
Heero: *Nods head slowly* You know what Duo? I have a SURPRISE.  
  
Duo, Quatre, Treize, & Wufei: Oh no—  
  
Heero: *Smirks* Hell yes! It's LADY UUUUUNE!  
  
Lady Une: *Walks out on stage* Why hello Duo.  
  
Duo: *Bitch and pimp slaps 5 times* DAMN YOU!  
  
Heero: Let's not restrain him.   
  
Treize: *Joins in the pimp slapping* HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM!  
  
Wufei: *Bitch slaps her* Yeah!  
  
Quatre: *Puts head in hands* Great Allah...  
  
Heero: *Pimp slaps Une*   
  
Lady Une: Why did YOU do that?!  
  
Heero: ...to tell you the truth...I don't know.  
  
Lady Une: *Sits cradling face*  
  
Heero: So Lady Une...how'd ya do it?  
  
Lady Une: Well, all I did was insert male sperm into him and it was done.  
  
Duo: Wait...then it wasn't you?!  
  
Lady Une: It wasn't my sperm but I ejected into you...while you were drunk.  
  
Heero: But then...who does the sperm belong to?!  
  
Lady Une: Who knows? I robbed a sperm bank.  
  
Duo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Heero: Well, there goes my genius idea. We may never get the answer to this.  
  
Quatre: *Shakes head*   
  
Duo: *Sobs* Why?!  
  
Heero: At least we know the how.  
  
Treize: But now we must find out the who.   
  
Heero: But the test show that Lady Une is the father—er mother...and it would have to be her sperm...*Everyone looks at Lady Une*  
  
Lady Une: Don't look at me; I'm as clueless as you are!  
  
Duo: I suppose I should get an abortion—  
  
Heero: But we'll never know who the father is! Plus your already 5 months pregnant, no use in getting an abortion now!  
  
Wufei: He's right.  
  
Duo: *Sigh* Alright.   
  
Heero: Good. Now we're out of time so join us next time on MY SHOW. ("Animate Me" plays as credits roll) 


End file.
